the Mumbai mobile phone farce

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 12:53:08

Opposite the side door to Leopold works the teenage mobile simcard wallah: his shop, like many, is a cupboard on the wall and counter frontage about 3foot long and 8 inches deep. My extensive market research reveals AIRTEL to be a go. You didn’t think I was gonna go with Vodafone did you? – how I love a company that not only embodies, but enshrines the philosophy of customer as ‘the least important part of the equation’. Fuck ‘em!

‘ka kitna?’ I ask, ’400′ he says. Seems a bit steep, given that even the auto-rickshaw wallahs happily ‘bol, bol’ away on their mobiles. ’400?’ I ask, ‘yes yes’ he says as I turn over the cd-sized envelope, simcard and boundless communication possibilities hiding within. MCP Rs99 it says on the back. ‘Not 100?’ I says, pointing to the small print, guessing that MCP can only be RRP Hindustani-style, and hitting him with an eyebrow a la Roger Moore. ‘OK OK 100′, says he.
The boy will go far. Ought to be in banking. Or vodafone.
Victory! You might think……..
I need a passport photocopy, visa photocopy and photograph. That would be to add to the 2-page application form – nationality, address, intended destination, height, weight, penis girth and favorite colour. For a simcard.
Off to the train station we go, photobooth bound. ‘photobooth, photo-me kiosk train station hai?’ ‘Yes yes sir train station’ head wobble no fuckin chance mate, says he, or thereabouts……
Back to the Causeway. Find a camera-wallah whose shopfront is 18 inches wide – it’s a door….between 2 cupboards. 5 for 60 rupees – Value!
Back to Johnny Airtel. Give him the photo, fill out the form, show him the photocopies of passport and visa I keep in my wallet (yeah, I’m baaad)
Fit the new sincard…..’please insert correct simcard’…..network lock. Faff about, digital tech fascism balls-grindage, ….roasted chestnuts.
‘You must go Airtel gallery – Nariman point. Next Abdul ali baba – very famous shop.’
Taxi,60rupes. Ticket. Queue. ‘Why does Indian simcard not work my mobile?…’ ‘You must go Sony Ericsson service center…Lamontagne road’
‘Are you sure?…..’ ‘You must go Sony Ericsson…….’ Breath extremely very deeply. Taxi back,60rupes.
Taxi Lamontagne road.80rupes. Electronics retail and repair city – milages of it….enjoy a brisk sweltering walk admiring the industriousness and reflecting that the neon light and electric signage business is bigger than we give it credit…
‘No no – Sony Ericsson round corner – different entrance, 1st floor’ Ahh, here we are – round the corner, up the stairs, service center painted on the wall…..we have moved to Shree bldg 1st floor Solanki road, nr Minarva cinema, Grant rd.
Minarva cinema? – ‘Yes yes left, till intersection – bridge, Grant road. Walk to intersection…over the bridge… where Minarva cinema is. Is it fuck! Back over the bridge, left up Grant road…its refreshingly humid and still pleasingly scorching hot. Minarva cinema (under construction)….Solanki road…it’s a path, leading to, is that? – yes it’s a Mumbai taxi repair shop! – empty knackered taxi carcass strewn about……opposite the Shree bldg wherein lies my true love. 1st floor, no sign…got a security guard tho – he’s guarding the ticket machine. ‘Is 6 o’clock, we are closed now – tomorrow is ok!’ take a long hard look at the hours of business card on the wall – in case they hit me with a 3 hour lunch break tomorrow. Taxi back,80rupes.
Taxi to Solanki path,80rupes. They’ve put the engine back in I note – just the carpet and seats to go then. 1st floor, ticket, queue.
‘this is network lock. We not do unlock here’
‘but this IS Sony Ericsson service cen..’
‘we not do unlock here – Manish market’ – she’s being very Chinese about it.
‘Who?’
‘Manish market – is famous – near Crawford market’.
The overriding problem with the AK47 is there’s never one around when you need one. Taxi to Manish mkt, 60rupes. Computerised mobile phone repair nexus rabbit warren sweltering shithole. ‘Ram electronics’….just one of what must be over 200. Ram…Ram Dass….Ram Ram Sitaram* – I think I’ll give him a go…..’You can do?’….’yes yes, unlock, half hour’. 450 Rs – sounds steep. Look around – there’s 200-odd mobile phone circuitboard solder-wallahs – ‘fair price?’ I ask, trying the eyebrow thing. He holds firm, invites me to ask any of the others…I fold, 450 it is, half hour.
Two hours later I go for lunch. Dirty and smelly. I’m the 1st ferengi here since ’47…..1847. ‘No Spitting’ it says, painted on the wall. So it’s authentic.
Back to circuitboard city, where by now of course my phone will be ready.
Well shit on my chest what a surprise! ‘its not the phone – it is the files’. It transpires that yesterday his hard drive crashed and its possible that some of his (pirate) Sony Ericsson files might still be somewhat corrupted…….not corrupted enough to pass on the business tho, obviously. ’1/2 hour more’. I ask him ‘can you do this? – if this is going to be a problem I want to know now – not in 3 hours’. ’1/2 hour more’
After an hour, I sit outside the unit and meditate…..recalling Nicolas Cage in ‘Con-air’ to the helplessly outnumbered DEA agent : ‘look man, you’re in a situation you cannot control’…..time passes…..a nice gentle tap on the shoulder.Respectful,like, what with me being all spiritual and all. Hallelujah!
‘Perhaps you could leave phone and come back tomorrow…I call you when is done?…..’
The world has stopped turning.
Time stands still, and the decision tree of your possible choices and their consequences branch out before you…….. This doesn’t surprise you because obviously you created this yourself – you have manifested your own fears using the strength of negative emotions. Very successfully. Leave the building now – breathe more deeply than you have ever fucking breathed before and please ignore the fact that everything has turned red – and put your hands in your pockets where they cant kill anyone stone dead on the spot. Balls now impersonating microwaved piglets in noodle soup, and definitely cant have kids.
Taxi back,50rupes.
(Good job I didn’t come across a teenage punk on a motorbike telling me to get out of his way…….)
The next day Ram doesn’t bother to phone the hotel….I phone, its ready.
Taxi to Manish mkt,50rupes. Missed a days filming, 500rupes.get Ran to prove it works with a spare Airtel simcard. Pay the 450Rs, get receipt. Taxi back,50rupes. No messing about, Airtel Johnny – simcard 100rupes, ram it in, initial topup, 350rupes, its taken a week and a half but we are good to go.

The text is all in Hindi……

Adam x

‘this is where the rubber meets the road!’

* Krishna Dass ‘live on earth – for a short time only’…double album live, treat yourself!